Pokémon: Destiny Deoxys

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Pokemon: Destiny Deoxys movie poster

DirectorKunihiko Yuyama
StudioOLM, Inc.
Release year2004
Movie number7
Purchase DVDClick here to purchase from Amazon.


…Meh.

That was my response when I first watched this one. And clearly, the word “destiny” never gets old in Pokémon.

So with Generation III underway, we get our second movie from the Advanced Generation anime. And for the first time ever, there was a second secret Pokémon.

Yeah. Generation I had Mew and Generation II had Celebi. Not only was Jirachi a secret Pokémon of Generation III, we also got Deoxys.

Well, okay. Let’s see what our secret Pokémon looks li—

Pokemon Deoxys
OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!

…Interesting design choice. So yeah, this is also the first time that we didn’t get a “cute” secret Pokémon. Unless you think this thing is cute for some reason.

Destiny Deoxys starts with a similar introduction about the Pokémon world as Jirachi Wish Maker, but fuck it. What the hell are the chances that someone outside of the Pokémon fandom will want to watch this anyway?

So, Narrator, can you stop recapping at the beginning of each movie?

Narrator: Perhaps Pokémon trainers aren’t the only ones that seek out new species. The Pokémon themselves seem to have an innate curiosity for the creatures of this world. And of worlds beyond.

Well, that depends. Are they even aware of other worlds out there?

Narrator: After all, we may live on a Pokémon planet, but nobody ever said that it’s the only one.

That depends. Did the humans even discover other planets outside of the one they live on?

But I digress. Let’s just get this borefest over with.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Night Sky

So we begin at what I assume to be the Pokémon world’s version of the North Pole. We meet a little boy named Tory befriending the local Pokémon and watching an aurora borealis.

Then from outer space, a glowing meteorite passes into the world. And what do you know…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rayquaza
The legendary Pokémon Rayquaza just so happens to be in the North Pole too.

…Um, why?

So in a matter of seconds, the meteorite passes through the atmosphere and crash lands. This causes all of the local Pokémon to run away in panic, traumatizing little Tory.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Walrein

By the by, we’re supposed to sympathize with this kid. Really. Even though this little Lion King wildebeest stampede isn’t the fault of the Pokémon themselves, this ends up making him hate all Pokémon he comes in contact with.

This irrational fear… is, well, irrational but it also doesn’t make that much sense. Tory clearly saw what made the Pokémon panic. They also didn’t do him any harm. And still, he treats them like they are the spawns of Satan throughout the movie.

So the little pussy faints while his father—Professor Lund—rescues him. They watch as a freaky alien creature crawls out of the remains of the meteorite.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Deoxys
Hello… Come play with me…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Green Gem

The Deoxys collects a green gem and demonstrates the ability to change the shape of its body at will.

Yuko: It’s some kind of Pokémon, isn’t it?
Professor Lund: Yes. It’s a Pokémon from outer space.

Man, the dialogue with these movies certainly hasn’t improved.

That’s kinda like me and my friend in real life talking like this:

Me: *sees bird* Hey, is that a bird? Hurrrrrrr.
Friend: Yeah. It’s a bird from the sky. Durrrrrrr.

So anyways, the Deoxys appears to be upset about the green gem and tries to scream like Darth Vader.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Deoxys Scream
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

And this causes it to create a purple aurora borealis… just because.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rayquaza
IMA KILL YOU, BITCH!

And right the fuck of nowhere, Rayquaza comes in an attempt to kill the Deoxys. And because of this, Deoxys ends up losing the green gem.

Yuko: Rayquaza never leaves the ozone layer. Why now?

Because he’s a dick.

No really, Rayquaza is a flying giant, green dildo. Throughout the movie, he harasses this particular Deoxys for no reason other than that Deoxys’s transport method invaded his territory. That is all. Rayquaza is so pissed about that, he goes after Deoxys through Hell and beyond.

…So, a dick.

The battle showcases Deoxys’s abilities, such as levitation, high agility, regeneration, and shapeshifting. We watch a repetitive battle of energy blasts take place—so basically, a Dragon Ball Z match. Deoxys appears to have the upper hand over Rayquaza, until…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rayquaza defeats Deoxys
IMA FIRIN MAH LAZAR!
Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rayquaza lazer
BLAAAAAAAARGH!

This vaporizes the Deoxys, leaving behind a purple gem that sinks to the bottom of the ocean. With his murderous deed done, Rayquaza ascends back to the sky, no doubt bragging to the heavens about his enormous dick.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Deoxys green gem

Professor Lund and his team collect the green gem—in a net hoisted by helicopter, for some reason—as they make an oh so enlightening observation.

Professor Lund: Rayquaza is furious. Another Pokémon crossing into its territory has obviously threatened it.

…Yeah, because even though the Deoxys didn’t seem to have landed on the planet deliberately, simply entering Rayquaza’s territory makes it feel “threatened.” So again, it’s a giant, green dick.

4 Years Later

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Tory

So we go back to Tory, who looks like he has barely aged in those four years. Well, enough about that. New scene.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Professor Lund and Yuko observe Deoxys green gem

Then we see Professor Lund and his assistant Yuko, who also look like they haven’t aged a day… firing lasers at the green gem. Because… sciencey stuff.

Professor Lund: Yes… the crystal should regenerate if we keep the laser on target. We will succeed. We have to.

Succeed… in what? Considering this gem looks vaguely like the one that the Deoxys from earlier turned into, I’m going to say this gem is another Deoxys that had lost physical form.

So even when they regenerate this gem, what will it accomplish?

Meanwhile, Tory talks to an off-screen character about I-don’t-give-a-fuck-because-whatever-he-talks-about-is-BORING.

Yuko notices that the green gem is glowing. And far away…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys purple gem Deoxys
I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!

So yeah, for an unexplained reason, the Deoxys from four years ago regenerated and I assume it’s going to seek out the green gem or some shit like that.

….What is the point of the four-year time skip again?

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum, Pikachu, Brock, May and Max

So after that drawn-out set of scenes, we see “our heroes” getting all amazed and shit at a bunch of Pokémon they’ve seen before while getting to Larousse City.

If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m already bored by this point and we’re already past the 15-minute mark.

So the Narrator tells us that Larousse City is like this big advanced technology center, where Ash is going to take the challenge of the Battle Tower.

…So Larousse is the name of the city encompassing the Battle Frontier in Pokémon Emerald? Or the Battle Tower in Pokémon Ruby/Sapphire, though there is just a tower and no city? Is there a counterpart? Ahhh, anime canon… you so fucked up.

In fact, this city is SO technological that trash cans have to identify your trash… as trash, before opening up.

…I have no words to describe the utter pointlessness of that.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Plusle and Minun

And because the Pokémon franchise is so well known for its pandering cutesiness, this movie decides to waste time with hijinks with a random pair of Minun and Plusle. And also…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Munchlax
Oh hello, Generation IV promotional plug-in.

So as with tradition, the anime showcases a new species of Pokémon that appears in the next generation.

Meet Munchlax, an absolutely pointless character with a subplot about kicking a bottle into a trash can.

…I don’t get it. Is this supposed to be funny?

*sighs*

We have come this far into Pokémon and this is where it amounts to.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys block bot

“Our heroes” meet a floating Apple Mac screen with a bunch of green cubes surrounding it, because the future is all about pointless aesthetics!

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys May derp face
[insert “Macs suck balls” joke here] AH HA HA HA HA HA…
Welcome to the Internet.

Hell, just by visiting Larousse City, you become a citizen of it immediately and even get your passports created in a matter of seconds.

…Well, okay. I’ll give this floating Mac screen some points. Saves hours from waiting at the fucking DPS to get an ID card.

And the movie wastes more time with hijinks.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys conveyor belt
In Soviet Russia, sidewalks walk you.

So Ash doesn’t know how conveyor belts work, and some passing trainers laugh at him and act like smug assholes. Ash joins them, finding out that they are all heading towards the Battle Tower.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rafe, Sid, Audrey, and Kathryn Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rebecca

Annnnnnnd… there’s your supporting cast. Not that they’re interesting, mind you.

So with minutes of annoying banter and filler aside, we go past the 20-minute mark. Ash comes across Tory.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Pikachu waves at Tory
Pikaboo!

And Tory runs away like a little pussy. Ash feels the need to bug the shit out of him, so he aggressively greets the little boy while the big, bad Pikachu scares him shitless.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum, Pikachu and Tory
KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M A WUSS?

Ash and Tory go into an elevator and someone escorts them over to the battle arena of the Battle Tower. They don’t even have to register for the tournament. Nope. The Tower just registers for them because they carry passports.

…Convenient, I guess, but don’t you need to verify how many Pokémon they have too?

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys battle arena
Um, yeah, sir… can we get to the fucking plot already?

So Ash and Tory, in a double battle, face off against the trainers from earlier, Rafe and Sid. But upsy-daisy, Tory doesn’t have one! But Ash doesn’t want to give up and lets Tory borrow his Torkoal.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Torkoal blows smoke at Pikachu
ENGAGE FRIENDLY FIRE.

Guess what? Ash and Tory lose, because Tory can’t get it together and once again pussies out while Ash humiliates himself with his unnecessary ineptitude.

…And to think this kid was in the Pokémon Leagues for Kanto, the Orange Islands, and Johto. Well, that’s a waste of fucking time. Can I haz plot pl0x?

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum, Pikachu, Tory, Professor Lund, and Yuko

After the battle, Professor Lund finds his son.

Professor Lund: We just watched your Pokémon battle. I’m incredibly proud!

Guy, did you even see how your son just stood there sucking his thumb? I wouldn’t call that something to be proud of.

Of course, Tory claims it was all a mistake and runs away because… he’s a pussy who wouldn’t go near a friendly Pikachu.

“Our heroes” have a little lunch with Professor Lund’s “assistant”, Yuko, who might as well be Tory’s mother considering how she frequently worries for his well-being and how she hangs around with Professor Lund so often.

Yuko recaps of Tory’s experience four years ago.

Yuko: Sadly, he hasn’t managed to get over those fears.

Like I said earlier, this phobia doesn’t make sense. You live in a world where every square inch of the world is inhabited by Pokémon, and you are afraid of every single one of them. So every day, you’re surrounded by these motherfuckers for four years and have probably adapted a hikikomori lifestyle.

If Tory was afraid of Sealeo and Walrein, I would understand. If he was afraid of Deoxys and Rayquaza, I would understand. But what the flying fuck is this kid’s problem with friendly mice Pokémon who had no intention of harming him?

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Tory and Plusle
It’s not going to rape you, kid! Geez!

I know phobias are no laughing matter, but this one is just silly. It’s like being so afraid of water that you would even refuse to bathe in it or drink it. This kid considers every living creature, except humans, a threat to his life.

The Plusle urges Tory to rescue its friend, Minun, whose head is stuck in a trash can. Uhhhh… okay….

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Tory
And you can tell this kid is seriously considering to abandon them both like the little selfish asshole he is.

Meanwhile…

Yuko: But underneath it all, I think he loves them. All he really needs is the chance to get to know them, that’s all.

Yes, he loves Pokémon so he runs away from them. Dooooiii!

Oh. But Ash… he thinks he and Pikachu befriending Tory will get him to like Pokémon. And… everyone agrees to this intervention. Oh, dear god…

Meanwhile, again…

Tory does end up freeing the trapped Minun, but still can’t get himself to get close to the two mice Pokémon even when they’re thankful.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Munchlax
Uhhhh, hi…

…Bye, pointless character.

So Tory runs away into a giant glass pyramid, where he summons…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Tory talking to green cloud
………..
Melllvar from Futurama…

Um, what the fuck.

Okay, so this kid is afraid of cute little mice Pokémon… but he is enchanted by a green cloud of glowing dust. I… have no words. If you were to utter this sentence, what would you say about this moment?

So… Tory brags to the green cloud that he participated in a Pokémon battle and rescued a Pokémon, failing to recount that he turned tail as soon as both deeds were done.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Deoxys
Hey, remember me, audience? I’m supposed to be the star of this picture!

So purple gem Deoxys summons an aurora in the middle of Larousse City. 30 minutes in and FINALLY we can move the plot forward.

…Wait, we’re not moving forward? DAMN IT!

Ash walks into Tory’s conversation, wondering who the little crazy kid is talking to. The green cloud vanishes and Tory denies any knowledge of talking to anyone, outright refusing to speak to Ash and generally acting like a little dickhole.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum, Pikachu and Tory
Leave me alone! Can’t you see I prefer talking to green, sparkly clouds over your Pikachu?

…You know, I can also interpret this as Tory developing schizophrenia. It would make more sense.

So, that scene cuts off, and…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Team Rocket
Hi, Team Rocket…?

…Pretty late to establish them in the movie, don’t you think?

Oh, and they end up harassing a hamburger-dispensing robot to get their lunch. Okay, so now we have hamburgers in the Pokémon world. I wonder how many Tauros/Miltank died to be a part of your lunch…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Team Rocket and chief block bot
And… the floating Mac disapproves.
Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Jessie shakes butt at chief block bot
What the fuck am I watching now…
Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Chief block bot shocks Jessie
Whoa, shit! That is harsh!

So, okay… you can piss off the floating computer screens in this city and they’ll electrocute you if you do.

…Even by Pokémon standards, this movie is pretty weird.

Meanwhile, Ash tries to get Tory to talk but Tory continues his little pussy routine and eventually pushes Ash over the edge. Just as Ash is about to do the sensible thing of beating the piss out of him for being a rude jerkass, his friends come in to save the day.

*yawns*

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys picnic scene
Dig in… TO FILLER!

Seriously. This next set of scenes is nothing but “our heroes” trying to convince Tory that Pokémon aren’t so bad after all… and some antics from the local Pokémon. It all comes down to…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Tory attempts to pet Pikachu
Must… pet… fluffy mouse…
Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Tory runs away
*pussies out*

…Kid, you’re seriously starting to piss me off.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys green gem Deoxys
You WILL have a plot!

Not.

Later that night, Deoxys searches Larousse City. Its psychic abilities end up causing the nearby electronics to go haywire.

“Our heroes” watch an aurora borealis over the city, even though the purple-haired girl named Rebecca pointed out that it’s impossible.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys May and Sid
Hello, one-sided romance that goes nowhere.
Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Brock, Rebecca, Audrey and Kathryn
Hello, other one-sided romance that goes nowhere.
Pokemon Destiny Deoxys cookies
Gotta bite off their heads!

And oh-ho-ho-ho… it gets so much worse…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Audrey, Kathryn, Surskit and Masquerain Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Pikachu, Mudkip and Corphish Pokemon Destiny Deoxys May and Max play with Blastoise Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Pikachu, Combusken, Torkoal, Bulbasaur, Corphish, Skitty, Mudkip and Lombre

Dear god, I’ve complained so much about the filler in Pokémon movies in the past, but the scene that follows is nothing but a montage of all of the characters showing off their Pokémon, the Pokémon playing, and everyone smiling while a terrible pop song plays.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Grovyle
Screw you, guys. I’m just going to sit here in my new emo corner.

Are any of you familiar with the Don Bluth movie A Troll in Central Park? If you thought that movie was largely pointless with all the characters smiling and dancing, well now you can see it in Pokémon form in this one scene.

Why oh why the fuck would you throw away so much animation money into this? Are you just contractually obligated to make this into an hour-and-a-half flick so you have to put in as much padding as possible?

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rebecca

And you know, the funny thing is that Rebecca here is the only character actually doing anything plot-relevant at this point… by trying to identify what is causing the mysterious aurora in the sky. Yes, this one-note support character, who we never see again after this movie… is doing something more important than “our heroes.”

40 minutes in. We’ve barely seen Deoxys. About half of the movie spent in filler. If it weren’t for the fact that I told myself that I would watch and review all these movies, I wouldn’t be sitting through these at all.

So after a whole two minutes of cutesiness, we get even MORE filler between Team Rocket and Munchlax.

OH MY GOD, JUST GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys green gem Deoxys
Oh, my prayers have been answered.

So the aurora in the sky disappears, and somewhere Deoxys is harassing a group of Pokémon. As Deoxys projects its energy…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rayquaza
What the fuck, you again?

For SOME reason, the movie decides to shove in Rayquaza out of nowhere. I guess he has psychic powuhz because now he is going to where the Deoxys is.

Oh, but enough of that. Back to Tory’s problems!

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum, Pikachu and Tory
Oh, make out and get a room already!

So Ash and Tory have a talk and Tory reveals that he never had to spend time with friends before, confessing that his fear of Pokémon prevents him from socializing.

Well, gee, you think?

Tory is about to pet Pikachu to resolve his fear of Pokémon, but then…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum, Pikachu, Tory and Corphish
Fuck you, audience. I’ll delay this irritating subplot even further!

Ah-ha, that’s our Corphish. Our loud and obnoxious crawdad who I wouldn’t mind boiling for dinner.

The next day, Tory takes everyone to his little retreat and summons Mellvar to freak them the fuck out.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Tory and green cloud
Ash: …I have no words.

Add yet ANOTHER minute of whimsy to pad the fuck out of this movie. Sure! Why not?! You already wasted about an hour of my life that I’ll never get back.

But plot comes back in as Professor Lund and Yuko find both Rayquaza and Deoxys in the vicinity of Larousse City.

Yuko: Professor! How could a Rayquaza be coming here?
Professor Lund: I don’t know. But for it to leave the ozone layer again, there must be a powerful reason.

And that powerful reason is promotion. Let’s have a Rayquaza duke it out with Deoxys, because why the fuck not. We’re lazy hacks anyway and we still call ourselves professional writers who still get paid to write this shit, so fuck you, audience.

And, you know, something like this is a big reason why keeping the same story running for years and years is a bad idea. I’m talking about the Pokémon anime in general.

The general plot of the anime: Ash Ketchum becomes a Pokémon trainer on his 10th birthday and befriends a little mouse Pokémon named Pikachu. Together with his friends, he goes out on a journey to acquire the ambiguous title of “Pokémon Master.”

And that’s it. There are some slight variations with each season for the anime, but this plot remains largely the same for… wow, 18 years. So, of course, a shit ton of retcons is inevitable.

So, back to this movie’s plot. Rayquaza is going to fight Deoxys simply because he sensed the alien creature’s power. If this is true, why the fuck didn’t he sense Mewtwo from the first movie? Why the fuck didn’t he sense Lugia or the legendary birds in the second movie? Those technically count as worldwide crises.

Maybe Rayquaza can only “sense power” in the Hoenn region, but that would still mean it would show up in the anime for the other legendary Pokémon.

I mean, this is some uber stupid shit here. The first time Rayquaza and Deoxys battled, Deoxys accidentally trespassed Rayquaza’s territory. And now, Deoxys was nowhere near the ozone layer and Rayquaza is STILL going after Deoxys for no fucking good reason whatsoever.

And this can only mean that Rayquaza’s only reason is dominance. He doesn’t want to be outdone by another powerful Pokémon.

Like I said, Rayquaza is a giant, green dick in this movie.

And yes, while Deoxys is being a little disruptive around Larousse City by shoving local Pokémon out of the way and causing the local machinery to malfunction, it was mostly harmless. It didn’t outright tear the city up or murder the locals.

It wasn’t until Rayquaza comes back into the picture that pushes Deoxys over the edge and causes it to take more drastic measures. So yes, you can pin the blame of the rest of the movie’s problems on Rayquaza.

Stupid dick.

So Professor Lund and Yuko issue a citywide evacuation, causing the block bots to assist the citizens and setting limitations on the city’s technology. Just as Professor Lund is setting out to retrieve his son, he ends up getting thrown off course.

Meanwhile, we enter some nightmare fuel territory as Deoxys replicates itself to summon a bunch of eyeless clones to kidnap the citizens around the area.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Deoxys and clones Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Deoxys and clones

…Okay, so things have gotten a little more interesting. Spooky as shit, but interesting.

Well, since Hell has been unleashed, I think it’s a great time to play some fitting music.

Professor Lund: Deoxys, why are you doing this to us?

…Because maybe you TOOK something on the same day you encountered that Deoxys?

Rayquaza conveniently flies into the plot and attempts to annihilate Deoxys. However, Deoxys has erected an enormous barrier over the city to prevent anyone from coming in and coming out.

We cut back to “our heroes” trying to escape the city, but oh-ho-ho… our scary alien finds them before they have a chance to run.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Sid and Blastoise captured by Deoxys clones
No! I can’t lose my virginity this way!

The clones end up taking Sid and his Blastoise away. Ash and Rafe distract the Deoxys clones while the rest of the gang look for a secret exit in the building. They have succeeded, but not before a chase scene that almost concludes with the Deoxys clone molesting Ash.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum captured by Deoxys clone
Holy crap, that is so spooky.

Ash narrowly escapes with Pikachu’s help.

Okay, let me stop here.

Where was this scene before? It was well paced, suspenseful, and puts the characters in a terrible situation. This was what the movie needed all along. And it took this fucking long for something remotely eventful to happen.

“Our heroes” reunite with Yuko.

Then we cut to the Plusle, Minun, and Munchlax escaping, because… they’re so essential to the plot.

And then, we get possibly the most confusing thing I’ve seen in these movies.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Poke Ball not working
The Poké Balls will not work.

The explanation: Larousse City has cut off all connections to the rest of the world, implying that Poké Balls operate by some sort of global WiFi network. Rebecca called it the “Poké Ball Management System.”

…I have so many questions. Halp.

  • So if you capture Pokémon, does that mean the Poké Ball is converting their bodies into data that can only be called locally?
  • If the Poké Ball Management System is suddenly interfered with, does that mean some Pokémon can be erased out of existence?
  • How come none of the evil organizations attempted to hack this Poké Ball Management System since it controls nearly all trainer-owned Pokémon’s fates?
  • How the hell do Poké Balls work in little Samuel Oak’s era, where there are steampunk-style Poké Balls?
  • Why is it necessary for Larousse City to isolate itself from the rest of the world? Wouldn’t it be more logical to contact some sort of global organization to look into the problem? And why aren’t—

AGGGGGGGGGH! MY BRAIN!

…Wait, I got it. The writers are looking for an excuse for the characters NOT to use their other Pokémon to make the movie cheaper and easier to produce. What a lazy copout.

So… with knowledge of that mindfuckery, Yuko decides to fuck the kids’ minds some more with her story about Deoxys. Apparently, Professor Lund is the authority who gave Deoxys its name. Because apparently, NOT studying a live Deoxys still gives you a chance to submit the name to the Pokedex and to the scientific community.

The kicker: Professor Lund and Yuko were studying Deoxys’s regenerative properties.

*yawns*

Why? Do they want to build an army of lizard people or something? It’s never addressed.

Rebecca: It sounds more like science fiction. This is something I would love to research.

That’s because it kinda is, considering the pseudo-science this movie throws around.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Plusle and Minun
Ohai, we’re back! :3
Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Max, Audrey and Kathryn pulling out Munchlax
One uninspired comedy routine later…
Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Tory afraid of Plusle and Minun
Christ, we’re back to THIS?!

Can you just for ONE DAY get over this?! Christ, this is not the time for you to piss your pants while an ARMY OF CLONES is waiting outside to abduct you!

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum, Brock and Tory with hot dogs

*sighs*

If one of the highlights of the movie is the kids foraging for hot dogs while Brock shouts “gotta catch ’em all,” you know you’re watching a masterpiece…

But big shocker. The Deoxys clones find the kids outside. After a brief battle, poor little Minun gets kidnapped next.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Deoxys clone kidnaps Minun
No! Not the pointless, pandering character!
Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Deoxys clone steals hot dog machine
No! Not the hot dog machine!

…Am I the only one feeling more sorry for the hot dogs than the Minun? I’m one cold mofo.

So with that nightmare fuel scene over, Tory blames himself for Minun’s kidnapping and tries to pet the grieving Plusle in an attempt to comfort it. GUESS WHAT?! HE DOESN’T DO IT!

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Tory and Plusle
Kid, at this point, I rather that you get kidnapped instead of the Minun. Because phobia or no, you’re a little dick.

“Our heroes” discover that the Deoxys clones are holding everyone captive at Bio-dome here.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys biodome

They also witness a Deoxys clone dropping the hot dog machine from earlier, right into the water, after it had ceased functioning.

…So, I guess the Deoxys doesn’t like dead captives. Still spooky.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys hot dog machine sinking into water
*Sniffs* You will be missed, weird hot dog machine that looks like one of those weird mini massagers you could buy from Walmart…

And also…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rayquaza
Holy hell! Do you even sleep?! Are you CAPABLE of sleeping?

…What the fuck is this asshole’s problem?!

One hour mark. This movie feels like it’s a lot longer.

Later that morning, as Yuko and Rebecca are attempting to put all the pieces together, we get…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Clone Deoxys tentacles
Attack of the Rape Tentacles.

Why is it always tentacles with Japan? In fact, the previous movie had them too!

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys clone Deoxys
ALIEN-DEMIC!

…Thought you have seen the last of that joke, huh? Well hey, at least I’m not throwing in loud, obnoxious sound effects and terrible CGI.

“Our heroes” escape just in time to escape notice from the clones. And they don’t bother searching either. They just take off.

…Eh-heh. Now that I’m able to stretch a couple of brain cells here, isn’t Deoxys a psychic Pokémon? Shouldn’t it be able to sense moving targets, even when it can’t see them?

Deeper into the building, Yuko shows everyone the green gem.

Ash: What’s this?
Yuko: The lab where we studied Deoxys and its regeneration. There were actually two of them before. Rayquaza defeated one, while the other Deoxys was still dormant inside of this meteorite.
Rebecca: So you’re saying that…
Yuko: Yes, that crystal is a part of Deoxys.

…Wow. So you knew all this and yet you still couldn’t figure out why the Deoxys outside was causing chaos. Have you considered the POSSIBILITY that MAYBE you took a LITTLE SOMETHING from that Deoxys?

Goddamn, why is it so hard for a Pokémon movie to have a decent script? A basic storyline with minor flaws at best is NOT hard!

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys green cloud
Oh, and Melllvar here turns out to be the spirit of the other Deoxys.

If you haven’t seen that one coming, stop drinking right now.

Oh, and BULLSHIT ALERT. Because Rebecca figures out that the aura projections from each Deoxys are attempts to communicate with each other.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys aura patterns
So basically, you can read light patterns to spell out specific messages…

Well, DUH! Of course! We’re all idiots!

The green pattern means “friend.” The purple pattern means “where are you?”

Ash: So it’s just looking for its friend?

DUH!

I know Rebecca is supposed to be the smart kid of this group, but what is with this half-baked pseudo-science? She doesn’t know a thing about Deoxys before the events of this movie.

AND NO, YOU CAN’T FUCKING READ LIGHT PATTERNS LIKE IT’S MORSE CODE!

Yuko: Of course. Deoxys carried off those people and Pokémon because they were interfering while it’s searching for its friend.

…Which is why it’s hoarding them all in the Bio-dome. Well, okay, I guess that’s a little bit distracting… except you still have to search through all these buildings.

Yuko: Deoxys sees certain types of electrical fields, but it’s not only the electrical devices that give off those fields. So do people and Pokémon. And they were blocking its vision.

…Okay, that actually makes some semblance of sense… because living creatures actually do operate on electrical impulses from the brain. Fun fact.

The next morning, Deoxys sends out another “message” in the sky and Rayquaza is STILL trying to break into Larousse City’s barrier!

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Professor Lund and Officer Jenny
Have you people just been sitting on your hands this whole time without contacting your Pokémon world’s version of the United Nations?

Well, no wonder organized crime is such a popular occupation in the Pokémon world. There are never any competent police officers or military forces when you need them. Yes, more so than the real world. I know you’re about to go there.

Meanwhile, Tory demands that Yuko attempts to regenerate the Deoxys. Ash agrees, of course, knowing that it would solve their problems.

…Well, golly, if Ash can think of that as a brilliant plan faster than most of the people in this room, then the rest of you should consider yourselves failures.

But Yuko points out that there isn’t enough power to make another attempt. Rebecca figures out that reactivating the wind generators of the city will help create an emergency power supply and that they should attempt a rescue mission at the Bio-dome.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys kids
Well, this doesn’t sound like a plan that could end with them all getting kidnapped while in broad daylight.

Deoxys quickly spots the group and Ash attempts to reason with it, but Deoxys is all, “Fuck you” and summons more clones.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Metagross Reflect
Also, that is so not how the move Reflect works. What are you doing, writers?

Rafe and Blaziken stay behind to keep them distracted while the rest of the group executes the plan. And…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rayquaza
Rayquaza manages to break through a massive forcefield with a single Hyper Beam…

…WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU THINK OF THAT BEFORE?!

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rafe and Blaziken

Rafe seems remarkably calm throughout all this, even telling his Blaziken to back off as the Deoxys clones take the both of them away. Well, thanks, Master. Endanger my life too, why dontcha?

So Rayquaza stumbles into the scene as it starts attacking the clones and tearing the city up.

“Our heroes” arrive at the site of the wind generators, but Munchlax chooses to fuck off and leave on its own… for some reason.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys May and Max
No, Munchlax! Don’t be a hero! You were such an important character!

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rafe and Sid

Inside Bio-dome, Rafe and Sid are attempting to break free while…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Team Rocket
Why the fuck are you people still in this movie?!

This is quite possibly Team Rocket’s most pointless appearance in a movie yet. Nothing expositional. Barely anything comedic. Fuck, they haven’t even interfaced with the “twerps” in the entire movie!

Rayquaza succeeds in defeating the clone army, facing off against his “arch-nemesis.”

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rayquaza
I AM GOD! BOW BEFORE ME, MORTALS!

Did I mention he’s a giant green dick?

“Our heroes” succeed in freeing the prisoners. Everybody happeh.

Ash: You were great, Tory.

…Dafuq are you talking about? He didn’t do shit.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum and Tory
Now, Ash, peck one on the cheek.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rafe thumbs up Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum thumbs up and Tory

…Yeah, okay. So apparently, there’s a subplot of Rafe taunting Ash for his incompetence through this movie and… it’s resolved here, I guess.

While Rayquaza attempts to murder Deoxys again, “our heroes” take the window of opportunity to get the windmills to work again. Not only do they use manpower, but they have all of the Pokémon in the area help to keep the windmills turning.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Team Rocket on electric bike
And this is Team Rocket’s big contribution to the movie.

…Dude. Weak.

This causes the power to circulate back into the city, allowing everyone to revive Deoxys. And I guess Tory’s big moment in the movie is pulling the switch that does the job…

Kid, you are beyond useless.

Throughout this entire operation, it’s nothing but a set of fucking boring events.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys green gem Deoxys

So there you go. Movie’s main conflict is resolved. Whatever.

The Deoxys is thankful and takes Ash and Tory through a psychic thrill ride across Larousse City.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum, Tory, and green gem Deoxys flying
You know, something about this seems familiar…

Oh yeah. This same shit happens at the end of The Power of One, where Lugia lets Ash ride on its back as a “reward” for being the hero. And Celebi in the middle of Voice of the Forest. They were also painful.

…You know, this pointless little “whimsy” gets so tired if you keep doing it.

Oh, but we’re not done yet. Because Rayquaza succeeds in pounding down purple gem Deoxys just enough to cause the barrier surrounding Larousse City to vanish. This ends up pissing off the Deoxys immensely, allowing it to gain the upper hand. Just as it is about to finish off Rayquaza…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys green gem Deoxys defense mode
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Well, don’t worry. The green gem Deoxys didn’t get hurt, but the Rayquaza gets buried under rocks.

The two Deoxys finally face one another and the two project auroras to symbolize the end of the conflict.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Deoxys aurora

I have to admit though, I guess this scene is a little touching. The purple gem Deoxys went through hell to find its friend. And after four years, the two are finally together and can go off on their way.

Well, good. That means the movie can end, right? Hehe…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rayquaza Hyper Beam
Why do I keep asking these questions?

It’s official. I’m nominating Rayquaza for the Biggest Dick in the Universe award.

And while this repetitive shit continues to run, the Apple Mac screen from earlier appears before Ash and Tory.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum, Pikachu, Tory and chief block bot
HEY, KIDS! I’M A COMPUTAH! STOP ALL DA DOWNLOADIN’! HELP COMPUTAH…

The battle between Rayquaza and the two Deoxys causes a shockwave that affect the block bots throughout the city, causing… the weirdest fucking ending climax to a Pokémon movie I’ve ever seen…

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys chief block bot going rogue
KILL MODE ACTIVATE.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Munchlax, hot dog machine and block bots Pokemon Destiny Deoxys block bots Pokemon Destiny Deoxys block bots Pokemon Destiny Deoxys block bots

Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………………

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rayquaza overwhelmed by block bots
PFT, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*falls off the chair*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Deoxys protecting Rayquaza from block botsHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hahahahahaha…

*tries to breathe*

Ahhhhhhh…

W-w-w-w-what…

What is this?

…Okay, there is ONE moment in this otherwise forgettable movie that is worth seeing. This ending scene… is so fucking insane… that it makes sitting through all that shit worth it.

I swear, this scene made me tear up in laughter. It’s seriously the most out-of-nowhere twist for a Pokémon movie ever. I don’t know what other Pokémon movie can top this, but whatever it is… I welcome it. If you can’t make this shit well written, at least make it comically surreal.

So… as Attack of the Computer Screens commences, Ash and Tory receive a random message from Professor Lund.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Professor Lund speaks to Tory and Ash Ketchum
Well, good of you to show up while things are hectic, asswipe.

Professor Lund tells Tory that he must use his passport to temporarily deactivate the chief robot AKA the Mac Screen. Well, we’re fucked. Our chicken-shit supporting character has been useless up to this point.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys block bots taking tower
And how the FUCK did you produce so many of them?!

And you know what else this movie needs?

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum and Tory find hot dog machine
More hot dog machines.

…………………..

….

………..

Barack Obama Not Bad face

Pokemon Wynaut

So Ash and Tory ride the hot dog machine… what the fuck, did I really say that… and conveniently find Munchlax buried in the sea of Killer Computer Screens as it randomly evolves into Snorlax. As part of the convenience, Ash uses it as a platform to get to the tower where the chief robot is located.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Snorlax
I am drowning, in a digital sea~
I am slipping, beneath the sound~
Here my voice goes, to ones and zeros~
I’m slipping, beneath the sound~

And to think I’ve been saying Munchlax is a pointless character. Well, he still is. Do we really need this oh-so-important-jumping-on-Snorlax’s-head scene?

Pikachu manages to reach the bot by jumping onto the floating cubes, and in the stupidest display, Ash does the same.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum jumping on blocks like Mario
If you were to do this in real life, you would fall and fucking die.

You’re not Mario, kid. I’m just going to throw that out there.

Ash is about to deactivate the chief robot but ends up losing his passport. Tory tosses his with a physics-defying throw, because I don’t think you can perfectly toss a piece of plastic high enough in the air to catch it.

Pikachu sacrifices himself to bring the passport to Ash and gets carried away, but the robots are about to destroy the city. Ash barely manages to flash the passport in front of the robot, allowing it to be shut down.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys chief block bot reading card Pokemon Destiny Deoxys chief block bot finishes reading card Pokemon Destiny Deoxys chief block bot smiles Pokemon Destiny Deoxys chief block bot shuts down

Am I the only one slightly saddened by this?

…Why am I having Metropolis flashbacks?

So once again, the day is saved, thanks to the Powerpuff Girls.

Meh. I don’t care if that is out of context. It’s not like this movie isn’t.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Tory saves Plusle and Minun

Tory, hanging on to Plusle and Minun for dear life, plummets to death.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Deoxys saves Tory, Plusle and Minun
You had my hopes up, movie. Fuck you.
Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Pikachu on Rayquaza's head
Now I’m gonna kill all of you!

Nah, Rayquaza doesn’t actually attack them. Because the two Deoxys attempt to protect it from the robots, I guess Rayquaza decides to stop being a giant dick and go back to the ozone layer. Good.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Deoxys holding Tory, Plusle and Minun

So… Tory gets over his fear of Pokémon… finally. Yay, who the fuck cares. Even if that subplot wasn’t around, this movie would still suck.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Ash Ketchum, Pikachu, Deoxys, Tory, Plusle, Minun and Rayquaza flying

Everybody reunites, but it’s time for our headliners to say goodbye.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys auroras

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial ending

…Wish you were watching E.T the Extra-Terrestrial instead, didn’t you?

I know how to make this a little worse for you. Let’s end on Team Rocket still cycling while that terrible pop song from earlier plays over the credits! And let’s add some animation of the Pokémon waving pom-poms! Yes, even Sid’s Blastoise…


In the same vein as Jirachi Wish Maker, this movie doesn’t really have a point in existing. It just kinda does. If you haven’t noticed by this point, the Pokémon movies have already lost the “epic” edge that promised big storylines and battles. But here? Clearly, it’s just promotional material in hopes that you buy more Pokémon stuff.

But honestly, I have set my expectations lower since Voice of the Forest. I won’t be looking for great battles, great special effects, or great character development. But at the least, I want to see a decently told story that doesn’t collapse from major plot holes.

And this movie… isn’t that. Its plot is very weak and the amount of filler is insane.

Though this movie isn’t much of a character study, it places heavy emphasis on the supporting character Tory. I know the writers are trying to have this kid overcome his fears and I understand it’s a perfectly okay conflict, but…

  1. He’s not interesting.
  2. Overcoming his fears is hardly effective in the long run, as he spends much of the movie letting his fears get in the way of action. Trust me, this kid is no Indiana Jones.
  3. He is more obnoxious than likable, so his “character development” falls flat.

And unfortunately, the Deoxys aren’t that interesting either and Rayquaza is… well, a dick. The “action” gets old quickly, despite the interesting addition of the Deoxys clones. The side characters are pretty forgettable as well.

And of course, that ending… I don’t care if it doesn’t make that much sense. It’s still very funny.

Pokemon Destiny Deoxys Rayquaza overwhelmed by block bots
Put this on your desktop. No seriously, click on the image, save it and make it your desktop. DO IT! DO IT NOW, DAMN IT!

Unless you actually like cute things smile and bounce, I can’t recommend this movie to any Pokémon fan. Just skip it, you’re not missing anything… except that ending.



Pokémon: Destiny Deoxys

$6.59
Pokémon: Destiny Deoxys
3.8

STORY

2.0/10

CHARACTERS

3.0/10

ART & ANIMATION

5.0/10

SOUNDTRACK

5.0/10

Pros

  • The chase scenes with the Deoxys clones, which made the scenes reasonably more suspenseful.
  • Hilarious twist at the end.

Cons

  • Forgettable plot with forgettable side characters.
  • Tory’s character, who could’ve shown more gumption had he been given the chance.
  • The annoying amount of filler that takes up more than half of the movie.
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