Gotta Protectors: Amazon’s Running Diet

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Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet title screen

ConsoleNintendo Entertainment System
DeveloperAncient Corp.
PublisherAncient Corp.
GenrePlatformer, Endless Runner
Release Year2017
Free DownloadClick here to visit the download page.

So imagine a scantily clad anime babe in an 8-bit game…

Athena SNK game poster
A less shitty game, thank you…

And her goal is to lose weight because she’s gotten chubby. Eheh…

That meme is going to be around for a while, isn’t it? Well, let’s just get this over with. This will be a short one.

 

Work Dem Thighs

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet gameplay

So this game called Gotta Protectors: Amazon’s Running Diet just randomly appeared on my Twitter feed and I asked myself, “Is this real? Are we really having a chubby anime babe in a thong jogging to lose weight on a NES game released in 2017?” So I actually downloaded the free ROM from the Gotta Protectors web page, and… yeah. It’s real, guys. This plays perfectly on Nestopia 1.40. You can probably put this on a real NES cartridge and it will actually play.

Gotta Protectors: Amazon’s Running Diet is a spinoff of an indie 3DS game called Gotta Protectors, also known as Minnade Mamotte Knight in Japan. Considering I hadn’t checked the Nintendo eShop for some time, that game flew past my radar even though I love retro shit.

So what we got here is a free quirky mini-game used as a three-year anniversary release to promote Gotta Protectors, with chiptunes from renowned video game composer Yuzo Koshiro. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of such a thing. But hey, give them points for the creative marketing.

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet gameplay

First off, DAT SPRITE. No, seriously. It’s a huge sprite (I’m not just saying that because of the girl’s plumpness) that is strangely well animated. The animation is so good that it has fucking jiggle physics. I have no other words to describe this. I’m so used to the choppy animations of my favorite NES games that it’s so surreal to see a NES sprite moving so smoothly.

And yes, the ecchi is strong with this one. Just look at it! I think it speaks for itself.

So, Amazon’s Running Diet is an endless runner where you play as the Amazon character from Gotta Protectors. You have to keep her hydrated by collecting glass of water icons while avoiding the cake icons. She can jump, perform jump kicks, perform a backflip (which I don’t find too useful), or slide on her butt.

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet gameplay

Apparently, if the Amazon consumes too many cakes, she gets so heavy that she falls on her ass (which jiggles, by the way) and causes the planet to split into two.

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet game over screen falling ass bomb
No, I’m not joking with you! This is seriously the Game Over screen!

Falling Ass Bomb… I’m sorry, everyone. I need to make a well-timed Gorillaz joke.

The sky’s falling, baby
Drop that ass ‘fore it crash (higher)
The sky’s falling, baby
Drop that ass ‘fore it crash (higher)
The sky’s falling, baby
Drop that ass ‘fore it crash (higher)
The sky’s falling, baby
Drop that ass ‘fore it crash (higher)

So once the Amazon shook the world with the titanic force of her ass, you get your results screen.

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet diet result screen
wat

Hyaluronic the Folivora?” So she’s… a plump sloth? Sorry, everyone. I think  I had to explain the joke here, because it honestly flew over my head the first time.

Oh god, this is incredibly silly. It’s over-the-top, but effective. I’m just… wow…

There’s really nothing much more to Amazon’s Running Diet. I mean, have you heard of a NES game published in 2017 used as a marketing tool to bring awareness to an obscure game that is lost in a sea of generic indie titles that populate the Nintendo eShop? I sure haven’t.

But yeah. The game is pretty much the same throughout. The animation overall (both the Amazon sprite and the scrolling backgrounds) is really good for a NES game. And the music is very catchy.

But furthermore, what interests me is that this game somehow has a bit of controversy behind it. The eye-rolling kind. Oh god.

So this cute, silly, kinda fetish-y game is getting accused of fat-shaming and misogyny. Oh, must we really? What people would do to blow some things out of proportion…

So that’s my weird game of the month. While there are technically eight stages, they loop indefinitely and you get a different results screen depending on your performance. The more stages you go through, the harder it is to keep going.

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet diet result screenWell, gotta give this babe some credit. She IS confident enough to show off her ass in any situation.

If you want to look at this game in a more positive light, just think of a slightly chubby girl trying to shed off a few pounds. The more persistent you are, the better her results will be. The hard work pays off, just like weight loss in real life.

Well, you got my attention now, Ancient Corp. You pulled me in by the male gaze and I just learned of a really fun-looking retro game on the Nintendo 3DS. Expect a download from me real soon.

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet

Free
Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet
8.7

GAMEPLAY

7.5/10

GRAPHICS

9.5/10

SOUNDTRACK

9.0/10

Pros

  • Addicting enough to get you to keep trying harder.
  • Very well animated for a NES game.
  • Catchy tunes.
  • Some very creative marketing.

Cons

  • Bare bones gameplay that is the same throughout.
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