Gotta Protectors: Amazon’s Running Diet

Share This Review!

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet title screen

Amazon’s Running Diet is a free promotional NES game released in 2017 starring a plump amazon trying to shed off a few pounds. Sorry, wat.

ConsoleNintendo Entertainment System
DeveloperAncient Corp.
PublisherAncient Corp.
GenrePlatformer, Endless Runner
Release Year2017
Free DownloadClick here to visit the download page.

So imagine a scantily clad anime babe in an 8-bit game…

Athena SNK game poster
A less shitty game, thank you…

And her goal is to lose weight because she’s gotten chubby. Eheh…

That meme is going to be around for a while, isn’t it? Well, let’s just get this over with. This will be a short one.

 

Work Dem Thighs

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet gameplay

So this game called Gotta Protectors: Amazon’s Running Diet just randomly appeared on my Twitter feed and I asked myself, “Is this real? Are we really having a chubby anime babe in a thong jogging to lose weight on a NES game released in 2017?” So I actually downloaded the free ROM from the Gotta Protectors web page, and… yeah. It’s real, guys. This plays perfectly on Nestopia 1.40. You can probably put this on a real NES cartridge and it will actually play.

Gotta Protectors: Amazon’s Running Diet is a spinoff of an indie 3DS game called Gotta Protectors, also known as Minnade Mamotte Knight in Japan. Considering I hadn’t checked the Nintendo eShop for some time, that game flew past my radar even though I love retro shit.

So what we got here is a free quirky mini-game used as a three-year anniversary release to promote Gotta Protectors, with chiptunes from renowned video game composer Yuzo Koshiro. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of such a thing. But hey, give them points for the creative marketing.

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet gameplay

First off, DAT SPRITE. No, seriously. It’s a huge sprite (I’m not just saying that because of the girl’s plumpness) that is strangely well animated. The animation is so good that it has fucking jiggle physics. I have no other words to describe this. I’m so used to the choppy animations of my favorite NES games that it’s so surreal to see a NES sprite moving so smoothly.

And yes, the ecchi is strong with this one. Just look at it! I think it speaks for itself.

So, Amazon’s Running Diet is an endless runner where you play as the Amazon character from Gotta Protectors. You have to keep her hydrated by collecting glass of water icons while avoiding the cake icons. She can jump, perform jump kicks, perform a backflip (which I don’t find too useful), or slide on her butt.

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet gameplay

Apparently, if the Amazon consumes too many cakes, she gets so heavy that she falls on her ass (which jiggles, by the way) and causes the planet to split into two.

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet game over screen falling ass bomb
No, I’m not joking with you! This is seriously the Game Over screen!

Falling Ass Bomb… I’m sorry, everyone. I need to make a well-timed Gorillaz joke.

The sky’s falling, baby
Drop that ass ‘fore it crash (higher)
The sky’s falling, baby
Drop that ass ‘fore it crash (higher)
The sky’s falling, baby
Drop that ass ‘fore it crash (higher)
The sky’s falling, baby
Drop that ass ‘fore it crash (higher)

So once the Amazon shook the world with the titanic force of her ass, you get your results screen.

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet diet result screen
wat

Hyaluronic the Folivora?” So she’s… a plump sloth? Sorry, everyone. I think  I had to explain the joke here, because it honestly flew over my head the first time.

Oh god, this is incredibly silly. It’s over-the-top, but effective. I’m just… wow…

There’s really nothing much more to Amazon’s Running Diet. I mean, have you heard of a NES game published in 2017 used as a marketing tool to bring awareness to an obscure game that is lost in a sea of generic indie titles that populate the Nintendo eShop? I sure haven’t.

But yeah. The game is pretty much the same throughout. The animation overall (both the Amazon sprite and the scrolling backgrounds) is really good for a NES game. And the music is very catchy.

But furthermore, what interests me is that this game somehow has a bit of controversy behind it. The eye-rolling kind. Oh god.

So this cute, silly, kinda fetish-y game is getting accused of fat-shaming and misogyny. Oh, must we really? What people would do to blow some things out of proportion…

Gettin' Political...

Alright. To clarify my stance on these “issues,” I don’t support unethical treatment of fat people. Hell, I’m an overweight guy myself. Having extra, unwanted weight on you sucks. You move slower, you tire out more easily from daily activities, going on a diet full of rabbit food sucks, and your metabolism can go all over the place. But if you don’t diet and exercise, you risk getting even heavier. It just keeps on getting worse. And unless you have some real disorders that make it significantly harder to control your weight, you only have yourself to blame for not taking action.

Being fat is nothing to glorify. It can lead to serious health problems in the future, especially as you approach your 30’s and 40’s. I get that some people have it harder than others, but you still have to try to improve yourself. The problem won’t fix itself. Yeah, there are real assholes out there that look down on people for putting on some weight. What should you do? Ignore them! Don’t give those worthless maggots any attention. Trying to convince them to stop picking on fat people is a fruitless endeavor, so don’t have high expectations that everyone is going to treat you the same. Every one of us is going to encounter someone like that: whether we’re skinny or fat, white or black, Christian or Muslim, etc. Your best decision is to move on and don’t associate with people like that.

And, I also don’t support complaining about non-issues. For god’s sake, people, this is a free spinoff of an indie game on a handheld console that is meant for silly fun! It’s not a game specifically programmed with a political agenda to shame overweight women! It’s like when PETA accused multiple video games of encouraging animal genocide because they included hunting mechanics. It’s stupid, understand?

This game won’t be for everyone and there are far worse games out there that are far more damaging, so enough with these daft complaints. Why don’t you do something more worth your time, like… I don’t know, running a mile or two? Reading a book? Playing other games that cater to your tastes?

If you feel so offended by this game, then learn to grow some thicker skin. Figuratively, not literally. Getting angry over stupid shit is not worth anyone’s time. Just don’t read too deeply into harmless entertainment and your life will be so much easier.

As for the misogyny issue… it’s from Japan, folks. They don’t care about our social misgivings on sex here. I’m not going to be more likely to ogle at women or look down on them just because of this game. I respect women as people too. Besides, those of the western world are not much better. The porn industry is strong in the US and it’s not going away anytime soon. To reiterate a common phrase: sex sells. It applies to both men and women.

I don’t mean to kill the mood with that rant, but it really does annoy me when people make petty complaints over finding a silly little game offensive and how it’s somehow destroying our culture and whatnot.

It isn’t. Nothing got lost in the process. If you’re one of these kinds of people, get over yourself and move along.

[collapse]

So that’s my weird game of the month. While there are technically eight stages, they loop indefinitely and you get a different results screen depending on your performance. The more stages you go through, the harder it is to keep going.

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet diet result screenWell, gotta give this babe some credit. She IS confident enough to show off her ass in any situation.

If you want to look at this game in a more positive light, just think of a slightly chubby girl trying to shed off a few pounds. The more persistent you are, the better her results will be. The hard work pays off, just like weight loss in real life.

Well, you got my attention now, Ancient Corp. You pulled me in by the male gaze and I just learned of a really fun-looking retro game on the Nintendo 3DS. Expect a download from me real soon.

Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet

Free
Gotta Protectors: Amazon's Running Diet
8.7

GAMEPLAY

7.5 /10

GRAPHICS

9.5 /10

SOUNDTRACK

9.0 /10

Pros

  • Addicting enough to get you to keep trying harder.
  • Very well animated for a NES game.
  • Catchy tunes.
  • Some very creative marketing.

Cons

  • Bare bones gameplay that is the same throughout.
Liked it? Take a second to support Orion on Patreon!

Leave a Reply