Alpha and Omega

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Alpha and Omega movie poster

DirectorAnthony Bell, Ben Gluck
StudioCrest Animation Productions
Release year2010
Movie number1
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So Christmas is around the corner and I had an idea to publish twelve reviews as a way to celebrate and stay on the productive side. Unfortunately, I had so much to do at graduate school so it wasn’t as possible as I hoped it would be. But at least I can scratch the surface here and see what I have in my suggestions list.

So we got… Alpha and Omega? That movie with the CGI wolves?

Talonflame wat meme

*rubs temple*

I am getting too old for this shit.

Alright, let me go over something since I haven’t reviewed any American animation on this blog. For the longest time, I had a preference for animated movies over live action ever since I was a kid. Not only did I grow up with the typical Disney flicks, I also watched movies from Don Bluth, Universal Studios, and Warner Bros.

I was an impressionable kid, so I just watched whatever was out. I didn’t judge what was good or bad. I just tried to enjoy whatever the movie had to offer.

Nowadays, I have a fairly neutral disposition towards 3D animation. Toy Story came out in 1995; with its strong story and technically impressive animation, it is still considered an animated masterpiece. I can also appreciate the amount of work that goes into a 3D-animated movie, as I know for myself how hard it is to create 3D models and animate them how you want.

It’s a task much more difficult than just coming up with a drawing on Photoshop in a single hour. It’s more or less like trying to mold objects out of imaginary clay down to the last detail, but with restrictive controls and having to navigate through lots of menus. Throw in video editing and special effects into the mix, and you’re already in for a long, tedious project.

Is it as time-consuming as traditional hand-drawn animation? Nah, but it’s still an arduous task and it still takes some real talent to do it right.

But if there is anything that compliments good modeling and animation, it’s the story. A story can make or break a movie. So in spite of that we get multiple Ice Age sequels from Blue Sky Studios and major budget squandering through the likes of Foodfight!, they get forgotten quickly. But everyone still ends up remembering Toy Story and just about anything from Pixar in the end. Even Dreamworks is working towards that status.

And so with today’s movie, we’re going to see how a kid’s flick could fall into such obscurity that it ended up resorting to releasing annual direct-to-video sequels to somehow still remain relevant. Yeah, just like how The Land Before Time sequels got milked.

Blech. Alpha and Omega. I don’t know what anyone expects me to say about this one. I watched bad and boring kid’s flicks before, but this is the kind of junk that rots your brain from the inside out. Being among the many animated movies released on the year 2010, Alpha and Omega has fallen to obscurity to movies such as Toy Story 3 and How to Train Your Dragon.

So we start off with—

Alpha and Omega Humphrey
H-h-h-holy shit, what the fuck.

Yeek. Those character designs…

So we have two unrelated events going on. The male wolf, Humphrey, and his friends attempting to take a joyride… on a log. Okay. The female wolf named Kate using her sister for target practice as prey. And then the characters converge into this weird pose in the air.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey and Kate
What the hell is with Kate’s face there…?

Not only does the modeling of objects and characters look plastic, the animations are just… strange.

Compare with Rayman: The Animated Series, which aired around 1999 and 2000.

Rayman: The Animated Series Rayman wearing a teacup

Then ten years later, we still get stuff like this. But considering this is a relatively low-budget movie ($20 million, compared to the $150-$200 million for its competitors), I guess it’s at least watchable.

It certainly doesn’t help that Alpha and Omega is released in such a big year for 3D animated movies, mainly dominated by the likes of Disney and Dreamworks. Competition included Shrek Forever After, Tangled, Toy Story 3, How to Train Your Dragon, Megamind… Ahem… sorry, went off on a tangent there.

Kate can perform this weird acrobatic feat like Sonic the Hedgehog or Felicia from Darkstalkers. Yeah, I know it’s a nitpick but it definitely looks off. And she keeps on using it throughout the movie.

I should also note that the wolf characters have an odd depth of anthropomorphism. No, I’m not taking about furry fandom levels… thank god. These wolves make a lot of human gestures while making gestures that you would expect from wolves. Combined with 3D animation and the fact that the movie tries to be serious at times, it’s just jarring.

So continuing the… “story,” Humphrey and Kate grabbed each other’s paws midair and this somehow makes them spin indefinitely in the air like a frisbee.

Ugh… I know this is a children’s cartoon but frickin’ Looney Tunes had more sense than this.

And you know what else is great? The dialogue.

Humphrey: What are you doing up here?
Kate: I’m practicing hunting for our lunch.
Humphrey: Oh good, because I’m about to lose mine.

…Ha. Funny.

Kate: You are? Ew.
Humphrey: I’ll try to swallow. *swallows*

………….Nothing to see here, folks.

So unfunny jokes aside, Kate’s father arrives to pick up his daughter. Humphrey asks where she’s going and she says she’s going to Alpha School.

…Alpha School. So you’re saying that you need to get educated on how to be dominant rather than let nature take its course and just be dominant by yourself. How do you even function?

So just as Kate was leaving, her father Winston (who strangely sounds like Xemnas from Kingdom Hearts) decided to brag to young Humphrey about how his daughter would be the leader of the pack because…  well, I didn’t know at first but the movie later shows that Kate just so happens to be one of the daughters of Winston, who is the pack leader. Nepotism at its finest.

Lovely. It’s one of those stories.

But then Humphrey’s attention is focused elsewhere…

Alpha and Omega Kate butt

Alpha and Omega perverted Humphrey

Dat… ass…? And should I note that his head tilts every time her butt wiggles? Oh wait, I just did. This IS a kid’s movie, right?

But the sexual jokes don’t end there. I’m afraid.

Just as Kate’s father was about to finish his little speech, he praised Humphrey’s… ability to have fun, I guess, and said that alphas and omegas can’t… do… something…

Oh! Oh! I know! *raises hand* They can’t bang each other!

Three and a half minutes in. Two sexual jokes. Three, if you count that “I’ll try to swallow” line.

And of course, Humphrey seems saddened by Kate’s departure as a whole winter passes by. Then the movie’s logo pops up and we begin with… the same kind of intro we just had a while ago.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey
Seriously?

Well, not exactly the same. But we see Humphrey and his pals doing the stupid log ride thing again. Yeah… can we just move on already?

Alpha and Omega Kate
Oh. There we go.

So Humphrey and the other omegas find Kate as she comes back from… *snickers*… Alpha School. Seriously, that’s so fucking stupid…

The omegas pointed out that Kate can’t be Humphrey’s love interest simply because he’s an omega, which automatically friendzones the two of them.

…Why? Simply because she went to a school?

I know you have some sort of Romeo and Juliet formula in the works here but it’s not really the same. The main idea of Romeo and Juliet is that a member of each of these two rival families with different social standings can still fall in love with one another, despite a generations-old feud that continued on. This young couple was able to overcome those differences, but encountered a tragic death that touched both families and end their feud for good.

This movie… doesn’t have nearly the same level of cleverness to it. Even the Lion King sequel got the whole family feud thing down, which made enough sense for two groups of lions to hate each other.

And here’s another thing. In real life, while it’s somewhat true that alpha wolves typically do seek out mates in other alphas, that is because of their dominant behavior. Alphas are naturally born leaders and are typically the most clever hunters and the most vicious fighters. The omegas simply follow what the alphas command them to do. The grunts.

In this flick, Kate became an alpha not by natural dominance, but through a “school.” Oh please…

It’s weird because Kate’s father, Winston, is the leader of the pack and ought to be the one to teach his daughter himself, but his other daughter ends up being an omega. Sheesh, I guess nepotism has a part to play here after all.

Anyways… I’m going on tangents again. Back to the dumb movie.

So Kate and a small pack of wolves attempt to hunt down some caribou. But things go awry and we get another little scene that sort of reminds me of The Lion King.

Alpha and Omega Kate surprisedThe Lion King Simba surprised

Alpha and Omega stampede The Lion King stampede

But hey, everything is alright. Kate uses her bullshit Sonic the Hedgehog jumps again to escape danger and save her companions from being trampled to death. No seriously, her jumping ability is so amazing that it defies gravity.

Either that or the animation is strangely jerky.

But a rival group of wolves scolds Kate and her group and got into a little brawl… eh, sort of. I guess gnashing teeth and biting like kindergarteners are violent enough for the kiddies.

But then it’s Humphrey to the rescue…… I think.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey
D’awwww, you… uh huh huh huh!

Look, I know I’m not at the ten-minute mark at this point but I’m bored senseless. Can we NOT lighten up your currently most tense moment in the movie with this goofball here?

And guess what his suggestion is? Toss one of his fat wolf friends at the arguing wolves and have him body-slam their tiny skulls.

……That’s……. awful……

And their pained cries from the impact made the scene even worse… is this supposed to be funny? I mean, this is not what you call slapstick material. It’s just…

*cringes*

Kate’s father walks in to disperse everyone and thanks for the omegas for alleviating the situation. Kate walks away, disappointed that her first hunt didn’t go so well.

Cut to next scene. Random human gesture.

Alpha and Omega paw bump
Paw bump, brah!

I guess these little scenes are cute, but are just unneeded overall. Huh. I guess that’s why I don’t like Blue Sky Studios movies that much.

Alpha and Omega Eve, Kate and Lilly

But hey! It’s time for a bit of family talk! Yeah sure, why not. And I’m definitely noticing that these wolf characters have weird hairstyles.

*cringes*

Ahem, moving on.

Winston has a talk with his hunting party in regard to the eastern wolf pack, who have been apparently taking all the kills and slowly starving his own pack.

Oh good, a small semblance of plot. Maybe some hope after all?

Alpha and Omega Kate smiling Alpha and Omega Humphrey smiling

Oh wait, no. A moment with our so-called star-crossed lovers. And hey, let’s throw in a lame vegetarian joke while we’re at it. Because wolves don’t eat berries! Ah ha ha ha ha…

Alpha and Omega Winston and Tony

Later on, we see Winston summon another wolf. We learn that this elderly wolf is named Tony (played by actor Dennis Hopper, who died sometime after the release of this movie) and that he is the leader of the rival pack. Through some forced exposition, we find out that Kate is meant to be engaged to Tony’s son, Garth, and that this will bring both packs together. But if this engagement were to fail, Tony would send his own pack to fight Winston’s. Kate caught wind of this plan (how convenient) but oddly enough took it well, seeing how it’s “her responsibility.”

Oh goodie. An arranged marriage plot. Haven’t heard of that one before.

You know, I just realized something. This movie was by Crest Animation Productions (previously RichCrest Animation Studios and Rich Animation Studios), the same studio behind The Swan Princess. Wasn’t there a similar forced marriage plot in that too?

Anyways, we get back to Humphrey while some forced, awkward humor of his friends ensues. No really. All Humphrey had to do is mention some sort of event involving “girls” and his friends bathe while this porno funk music plays.

*cringes*

Back to Kate. She wears a flower on her head now. Blech. But that’s okay. Because her mother, Eve, suggested to her to rip Garth’s throat out if he were to step out of line.

Alpha and Omega Eve

Alpha and Omega Kate surprised

Alpha and Omega Winston surprised

…I’m with them on this one. Kid’s flick, right? Talking about tearing off tails and sticking it up their bum or going for the throat.

The weird thing about this joke is that Eve is probably the funniest character in this movie so far, simply because she appears to be a nice mom but turns out to be quite psychotic. I appreciate dark humor as much as the next guy, but it just feels out of place in a movie that also tries to be lighthearted and goofy. The two don’t mix very well.

But that’s nothing. We’re just getting to the more painful sequences of the movie. Yes, I just said that.

Alpha and Omega wolves dancing
Dance numbers.

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!

So we have this weird gathering at a mountain that resembles some sort of high school prom. Humphrey and his doofus friends were hitting on some girl wolves, until…

Alpha and Omega Kate
A somewhat sexualized slo-mo shot of Kate walking in the moonlight…

*cringes*

Oh, the clichés don’t end there. Cue a sudden zoom to this badass-looking mutt!

Alpha and Omega Garth
Hello, ladies. I’ll be your knight in shining armor tonight, if you catch my drift.

*facepalms*

Why do I put myself through this?

Humphrey tries to ruin the evening for Garth, but Kate just brushes Humphrey aside as “no one important.” Ouch.

Are you sure you want to go out with this bitch, Humphrey? I mean, really, she’s a bitch. Your childhood friend ignored you just so she could go out with some handsome, most likely egotistical, jock wolf that she just met.

That she just met… wait… if Garth was an alpha wolf and he was the son of Tony, how come Kate never met him until now? Does she even have classmates for this so-called Alpha School?

Anyway, luckily for Humphrey, Garth is even more awkward than he appears to be. His howling is absolutely dreadful.

Alpha and Omega Garth was it good for you
Was it, uh… good for you?

*cringes*

NO! NO! BAD!

And do we really need these forced innuendos? It’s really weird when you have talking wolves say them. I mean… ugh…

But luckily, Kate decides to cop out before things really start heating up. But before she can get away, our annoying male protagonist comes back in.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey
Well… you recovered absurdly well after your childhood friend basically called you a nobody.

The two make awkward small talk yet again, with Humphrey basically making fun of Kate’s date. Classy. But out of nowhere, someone shoots a tranquilizer dart at Kate’s ass and this puts her in a… “drunken” state. And Humphrey meets the same fate, putting him into this LSD land.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey drool
Man, there is a lot of drool in this movie.

Or maybe this movie IS drool, if you catch my drift.

Alpha and Omega Kate
Wait a minute! You’re not supposed to play with it!

…What the fuck just happened?

Well, looks like we have humans in this flick. They have come to take Humphrey and Kate away, to a land far, far away.

‘Murica.

I failed to mention earlier that the movie up to this point took place in the Jasper National Park in Canada. And these people are taking the two wolves away from their natural habitat to the state of Idaho in the United States.

…Sounds like a great idea to me.

Got to give those humans some credit though. They willingly come into the park in the middle of the night where there is a pack of wolves nearby, and they just kidnapped one of the alpha wolves who was meant to inherit the title as leader of the pack. That takes balls to do, man.

So yeah. The park rangers take the wolves onto a plane and carry them by truck over to Idaho, then let them loose into the new wilderness. Oddly enough, they don’t seem too distressed about being at a completely different location from their home.

Alpha and Omega Marcel and Paddy

They stumble upon some ugly birds playing golf… wait, what.

Okay, so let me get this straight. Not only are the wolves anthropomorphized to an extent, but so are some of the other animals. Not all. Some. I know this is a common theme across kid’s flicks that star animal characters, but at least have some consistency. Even the mice from An American Tail can perform human tasks and wear clothes. Hell, The Secret of NIMH is built around this theme.

So Humphrey and Kate approach our new oddball characters, and…

Alpha and Omega Kate front flip
Oh, come on! This shit again?

Why does she keep doing forward flips in the air? It isn’t practical. It doesn’t help improve her jumps in any way. If anything, it only gives her a higher risk to fall injuries, like…

Alpha and Omega Humphrey and Kate
Yeah, like that.

Is this just something they teach in Alpha School? Or is Kate just a showoff? It’s really weird because so far she has done nothing reputable for her to look down on Humphrey as an omega.

But after some weak comedy between our two bird characters, Humphrey and Kate attempt to speak to the French/Canadian goose named Marcel. This results in a two-minute chase scene, where…

Alpha and Omega Humphrey
OUCH! Gentle, man!

The weird thing about this chase is that the goose just keeps on flapping his wings while Humphrey drags behind him. Is he just not afraid of losing a foot? Man, I guess French pride doesn’t fuck around.

After it ends though, I guess everyone is all buddy-buddy now. The goose and the duck don’t seem to be afraid of the wolves anymore, so that chase scene was kinda pointless. Oh, save for a getting hit in the balls joke…

Alpha and Omega Humphrey in pain

Or an implied getting stuck in ass joke.

Alpha and Omega moose

Wow. The pinnacle of comedy. I am so impressed.

So the duck named Paddy explained to the wolves that they have been relocated to the Sawtooth National Recreation Area and that their job is to repopulate.

…How does he know that?

And just look at Humphrey. He knows what he wants.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey and Kate
Ooh, I am so gonna tap that ass…

*cringes*

Okay, that one was self-inflicted this time. Why did I need to make that joke?

But Humphrey seems pretty gung-ho about this plan while Kate is understandably weirded out. I mean, I know Kate is quite a shallow character and is just seeking out a strong, handsome wolf to fulfill her needs. But I do have to agree that she should at least have a say in this…

Ah, who am I kidding. I still don’t care enough for these characters.

Kate says that she has to go back to the Jasper National Park, claiming she has “responsibilities” that Humphrey wouldn’t understand. *sighs* Really, why should I want to see these two become a couple by the end of the movie? This isn’t a story. It’s a formula. A romantic comedy formula.

So as we continue on, we…

Alpha and Omega Marcel and Paddy
Have a bone-cracking joke?

*cringes*

These bits of comedy just come out of flippin nowhere. This one doesn’t even have a setup. It just goes straight to the punchline. Cracking your joints at odd angles hurts. Okay, well… thanks for showing us that cringeworthy scene.

Anyways, because the birds just so happen to like Jasper National Park and the wolves didn’t eat them, they’re going to help them get back.

*sniffs*

Meanwhile…

We cut to the two rival wolf packs at Jasper National Park, both of which are apparently upset by the disappearance of Kate. Kate’s mom makes yet another obscene threat, probably something you shouldn’t constantly throw into a kid’s movie.

But Kate’s little sister, Lilly, offers to show the rival wolf pack heir Garth around in her place. Tony makes a promise that he’ll only wait until the next full moon for Kate to marry Garth, before… I guess, shit goes down from there.

Well, gee. By how this story is progressing, I’m going to guess a few things.

  • Humphrey and Kate will be too late and the two rival packs will attack each other
  • Eventually, they will all come to an agreement and the fighting will just stop right there
  • Humphrey and Kate will end up together after all
  • Garth will end up with Lilly instead
  • Moral of the story: you can love someone regardless of status

There. I just made some predictions. Let’s see if they all come true.

So back to our recycled Homeward Bound plot, our main characters attempt to sneak into the back of a trailer and take a ride. Through some stupid coincidence via dance scene, we get a mirrored romantic shot.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey and Kate

Are accidental romantic gestures just a replacement for character development in this flick?

The wolves succeed in sneaking into the trailer and end up into a rockin’ road trip. Kate falls asleep and sporadically enters a seven-second nightmare of the two wolf packs fighting each other.

Alpha and Omega Kate nightmare
Why is she suddenly wearing a flower now?

By god, this movie’s pacing is awful.

You know, I can understand Kate’s motive throughout this movie. As rushed out as it is. Humphrey, though, is just around for the ride and has almost nothing to contribute, except… setting the “romance” forward.

Then we cut to Garth and Lilly, going around… Rabbit Poo Mountain. Wow, what an ideal date spot. I always wanted to sit in rabbit poo!

Garth: So… why is this called Rabbit Poo Mountain?

Take a guess, fuckwit.

Lilly: Because this is where rabbits like to poo.

Bingo! The random albino wolf who just so happened to be the daughter of a black wolf and a red wolf got it. You know… I just noticed that right now. Hmm.

Lilly: I was just kidding.
Garth: Ho-ho-ho! I get it. You’re a funny omega.
Lilly: Mm-hmm.

Sure, she’s hilarious. If you like low-brow humor. Because poop jokes, hitting males in the balls, and sexual innuendos are the status quo of comedy in kid’s movies.

The strange thing about Lilly is that her quirkiness in this one scene, which comes at odds with her previously shy disposition, has more personality than Kate’s and Garth’s interactions combined.

Alpha and Omega Lilly i just do turtles
I just do turtles.

*cringes three more times*

*steps back*

Nope. I’m not touching that one! I’m getting the hell out of here!

40 minutes into the movie.

Alpha and Omega gas station
Wow. I never thought a movie about wolves would feature a gas station where you eat food and get gas.

…Don’t tell me that’s a fart joke now.

Of course, Humphrey needs to go do his business outside (geez, ANOTHER ONE OF THESE JOKES?), despite that we never saw either wolf eat or drink before they left. This is somehow a plot point, guys. Enjoy.

And because Humphrey is a doofus with a lack of common sense, he stays out while the old couple goes back into their trailer and he gets caught by the gas station employees, thinking he’s a rabid wolf.

Alpha and Omega gas station employees
Well… shit… he’s got one of those bang-bang sticks.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey pisses himself
And proceed with pissing self joke.

Ha… ha…. ha.

But Kate leaves the trailer and tackles the man with the shotgun, and the two try to escape. They find themselves trapped behind a wired fence. And because the short man has a crappy aim, he fires a shot but ends up putting a large enough hole in the fence for both of the wolves to escape.

WOOOOW. Isn’t this one of the reasons why people ought to obtain a gun license? To get trained on how to AIM?

Unfortunately, the wolves have missed their ride and they can only go on foot now.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey and Kate
See what your stupidity has caused, Humphrey?

A thunderstorm comes in and Humphrey tries to entertain Kate, because he’s a bumbling idiot. With an open opportunity, Kate ditches the doofus to go back to Jasper National Park.

You know, if Kate is supposed to be this up and coming leader, shouldn’t it be her job to make sure that no one from her pack gets left behind? I mean, she doesn’t even struggle with the decision. She just left behind her childhood friend and fellow omega to fend for himself.

And yeah, you can make the argument that Humphrey basically sabotaged her best method of going back home. In that case, this is a missed opportunity to show her inner turmoil. If you can throw in all of these stupid toilet humor and innuendos, I’m sure you can make room for a very adult argument between our romantic leads. That would actually make things interesting.

But nope. Kate leaves, Humphrey goes off to die. The end.

…Naw, that’s not what really happens but we might as well have ended there.

Alpha and Omega Kate

Kate tries to cross a chasm but doesn’t realize that rain makes everything slippery. Now she’s doomed to fall into a mudslide. Wow, Kate, way to use your alpha knowledge there! I wouldn’t have figured out that cliff walls get wet in the rain and you would have a hard time climbing them!

But Humphrey comes in at time and once again pulls off a very stupid stunt to save Kate. He makes a Tarzan yell, swings on a vine, Kate bites down on his tail, and Humphrey tosses her across the chasm… ironically, the way she just came in from.

Alpha and Omega Kate sad

But just as Kate was coming to, Humphrey vanishes from his vine and Kate thinks this strange muddy structure is him encased in mud. Wow, that must have been the world’s fastest getting-caught-in-mud-and-getting-frozen-in-it accident ever.

But Humphrey is fine. He just walks up right behind her. I don’t even want to know what the hell Kate just pulled from that chunk of mud.

So our heroes are fine and Kate gives a brief romantic look at Humphrey before giving her thanks.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey and Kate
You know, why does this always happen in these kinds of movies?

I get that when you save someone, that person will be grateful for your help and end up thinking more highly of you. But it’s like when I save some girl from falling over a rock or something, she gives this weird longing look and says, “Thank you.”

Okay, maybe that’s a bad example but I’m just saying that this shouldn’t be a big deal. The two were part of the same pack and were childhood friends. That’s more than enough reason why they ought to cover each other’s asses. In fact, it should be expected. But come on, falling in love? That’s a little too much gratitude, don’t you think?

If you’re going to show this character development going on, at least have Kate acknowledge that this may rekindle her old affection that she had for Humphrey for when they were pups. I mean, Humphrey clearly shows that he’s attracted to Kate throughout the entire movie and Kate just brushes it off. At least go that extra step.

Alpha and Omega Winston

Meanwhile, we cut to Winston having a conversation with a wolf that looks like Steele from Balto. Of course, the wolf pack hasn’t found Kate… obviously but Winston tells the wolf that they must prepare to defend their territory as he stares at a full moon.

Well, there you go. One of my predictions is about to come true.

  • Humphrey and Kate will be too late and the two rival packs will attack each other

Check.

Bad timing alert in 3, 2, *snaps*

Alpha and Omega Humphrey and Kate
D’AAAAAAAAAAW!

Well, guess what. It’s purely accidental like all of the other romantic swings through much of the movie.

The goose and duck from earlier in the movie wake them up and taunt them for, “coming in at a good time.” Ha, ha. Marcel scolds the wolves for jumping ship from the trailer and Kate asks him for another quick passage to Jasper National Park. And there just so happens to be a train called the Canadian Express that goes straight to the park.

Wow! Thanks, convenient plot device! Makes me wonder why we didn’t try this before. Wait a minute, why didn’t we try this before? Excuse my geographical ignorance, but was it just not close to Sawtooth National Recreation Area? Wouldn’t it be faster to take the train anyway instead of having to take a joyride in a couple’s trailer?

Alpha and Omega mountain

But wait! There is one more obstacle! We have to cross the Misty Mountains! Well, let’s just hope there isn’t an old man chanting a fictional language to block their passage somewhere.

Meanwhile…

Alpha and Omega Garth and Lilly
Oh, right. I forgot about these two.

Long story short. Garth is a competent hunter. Lilly is adorkably clumsy. Garth uncovers her eyes. We get this.

Alpha and Omega Lilly eyes
Wow. So she’s an albino wolf AND she has purple eyes. Because purple eyes can happen in Mother Nature! What are the fucking chances, right?

Or she stole a pair of colored contact lenses. I don’t know.

Then the two bond. Back to the Misty Mountains!

Kate learns to have fun. Kate finds Humphrey’s ability to have fun endearing. Humphrey gets chased by a pissed off mama bear after throwing a snowball at a bear cub and making him cry. Humphrey finds Kate and somehow we have THREE differently colored bears chasing him. Kate tries to fight them off with her Sonic the Hedgehog moves but fails.

Come on, we need to move this story along. Let’s go! Gotta go fast!

The black bear knocks the wolves off a cliff while Humphrey still makes stupid jokes while they’re in peril, but he accidentally joins in their fall too. Everyone slides down the mountain, Humphrey somehow acquires a makeshift bobsled made out of a broken log (this shit again?), and they barely make it into the Canadian Express after evading the black bear.

Later that night, the two reenact their little mountain adventure of pissing off three bears and falling off a mountain, luckily not running into any obstacles and getting injuries along the way.

*cringes*

I’m not sure if this is the kind of moment you would want to cherish. You psychotic mutts.

And we’re about to get another one of those.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey howl

So Humphrey howls at the moon, though he sounds like a pop music contestant from American Idol. And this causes Kate’s heart to go a-flutter.

Alpha and Omega Kate
Wow. He nearly got me screwed me over multiple times, but I never knew he had such a dreamy voice. Yes, he’s the one.

Alpha and Omega Garth and Lilly

Oh, but that’s not all. Back in Jasper, Lilly is teaching Garth how to howl and it also sounds like a pop duet.

And that is pretty much what happens with Humphrey and Kate. Here, I’ll even post the lyrics for you:

WhoooOOOOOoooOOOOoo~ WHOOOoOooooOooo~ WHOoooooOOooooO~ WHOOOOOOOOOOOOo~

Now repeat until your throat and ears get tired.

*cringes five more times*

…Those were delayed. Sorry.

Oh, but things can’t just go well. Noooo. Because…

Alpha and Omega Tony
They’re all too late.

Lilly escapes the upcoming invasion. Tony comes in and is quite disappointed that his son was howling with an omega. Garth tries to convince his father to stand down. Of course, Tony doesn’t listen. So it’s time to sound the drums of war, cuz…

Disney Pocahontas savages
They’re savages! Savages! Not even human!

But that’s enough drama. Cut to the goose and duck going through some dumbass comedic relief and telling Humphrey that his final stop is coming up.

Alpha and Omega wolf packs

Come back to the fight. Winston and Tony make idle banter and prepare for war.

You know, here’s what I don’t get. The reason these wolves are fighting with each other is because of the limited supply of caribou in the area. Because of this, the eastern wolves crossed over to the western territory to raid the caribou supply. But to resolve this conflict, Winston and Tony set up an arranged marriage between Kate and Garth and this will somehow bring the two wolf packs together.

Oookay? Well, then what does this marriage have to do with the caribou then? It’s not like they will miraculously repopulate when these wolf packs come together. It’s not like the wolf packs will get along instantly after the two alphas marry. In fact, this lack of competition might even dwindle the caribou population even more.

This arranged marriage plot has no point other than to prevent Kate from falling in love with Humphrey. It doesn’t tie very well with the rivalry subplot and only ends up creating a massive plot hole.

Back at the train, Humphrey wakes up Kate and the two are ready to confess their love for each other. But after conveniently seeing the wolf packs about to fight, the two leave the train immediately before saying their piece.

Tony: All I ask is for you to follow our customs.

Customs? Is this what it’s all about? When throughout the movie prior to this moment did you clarify this? I thought this was about some goddamn caribou.

But Humphrey and Kate return to their pack and tell them where they’ve been. Kate’s mother almost tears Humphrey’s throat out when he brought up the term “repopulate.”

Ha ha ha! Because wildlife violence is so hilarious!

But Kate steps up to Tony and agrees to marry Garth, which shocks Humphrey.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey sad
Well, too bad, buddy. There are always other alphas you can… oooooh, sorry, man, but the power of plot device will screw you over.

The wolf packs rejoice but our star-crossed lovers aren’t too happy about it. Well, Kate doesn’t seem to mind. After all, it’s her “duty.”

What, no bloodshed? Tch, this is just like Disney’s Pocahontas.

Anyways, this meets another one of my predictions, so…

  • Humphrey and Kate will be too late and the two rival packs will attack each other
  • Eventually, they will all come to an agreement and the fighting will just stop right there

Sorry, had to cross out that last part in number 1. No actual fighting, so yeah.

The next morning, Kate prepares for the betrothal while making idle talk with her sister Lilly. Lilly is visibly jealous that her sister is marrying her crush, but Kate seems to be ignorant of this fact.

Lilly storms off but Marcel and Paddy appear before Kate.

Kate: Marcel! Paddy!
Marcel: When it comes to hugs, we’re all French, eh Paddy?
Paddy: Ah, well, I’m English, so we don’t… hug…

Tch, that’s nothing. You should see us American men. Us giving free hugs automatically makes you a pussy. Pft, stupid stereotypes, challenging my American male pride.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey and Kate

Humphrey comes in to visit Kate to give his blessings to her marriage and also mentions that he’s going to leave the pack and travel on his own. Well, no pressure there, Kate.

So he says goodbye and Kate is visibly uncomfortable with the whole situation.

The marriage occurs but Garth is very unsure of the whole thing.

Alpha and Omega Garth and Kate
Well… this is awkward…

Garth tries to keep a straight face but he can’t help but notice a sad Lilly in the audience.

Humphrey is ready to depart from the lands as Marcel and Paddy help him out.

At the last second, Kate refuses to marry Garth (which ironically makes him happy) and confesses to her parents that she had fallen in love with an omega. Tony dismisses this as absurd, but his own son takes the moment to confess his love for Lilly.

Tony is pissed. Winston is confused. Eve passes out from shock.

Then Tony sends his own pack to sic the other, and we finally get some fighting.

Oh, so NOW they fight. Okay. Let me correct this then.

  • Humphrey and Kate will be too late and the two rival packs will attack each other
  • Eventually, they will all come to an agreement and the fighting will just stop right there

In a shot that mirrors Kate’s nightmare, a stampede of caribou rushes into the middle of the fight and all of the wolves abandon the fight. While most of them get out okay, the pack leaders Winston and Tony got caught in the middle of it.

Just as Kate is about to formulate a plan, she runs into Humphrey.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey and Kate
But wait. I thought Humphrey was going to get on a train.

That’s the expected response, right? Nah. If they actually pull off a departure of one of the main characters, we wouldn’t be getting a happy ending after all.

So what’s the plan to save Winston and Tony? Bobsledding.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey and Kate bobsled
Really?! Is this movie a commercial for bobsledding all along?! Or logs?!

Ren and Stimpy log
It’s Log Log Log~

You know, Kate spends a whole winter to be trained as an alpha wolf. All she comes out with are front flips (which she already had before going to Alpha School), being smarter than Humphrey, and having a BS “customs” responsibility pushed on her. Even though he’s a bumbling idiot, it’s thanks to Humphrey that she’s even getting this far to begin with.

I’m sorry. I’m not going to let this go, but what the hell was the point of Alpha School?!

Alpha and Omega Winston and Tony hiding in log

And in a very coincidental resolution, the bobsled breaks and gives a convenient hiding place for Winston and Tony to take cover in. Humphrey makes it back okay, but Kate gets knocked out by a passing caribou. Humphrey covers Kate and takes some abuse from the caribou while Winston and Tony scare them away.

The stampede ends and we get one of these scenes.

Alpha and Omega Humphrey and Kate
Well, gee. This is totally not a Disney Death fakeout at all. I’m sure those direct-to-video sequels are there for no reason.

All of the wolves join a mournful howl in unison. Even Tony ends up regretting what he has done and joins in. And then…

Alpha and Omega Kate alive
*GASP* SHE’S ALIVE!

WHADABUDUBUBU… WHAAAAAT?

You mean to tell me that through the power of wolf howls, she comes back to life? Ah, well, this is wonderful! It’s like that time when all those Pokémon cried and resurrected Ash Ketchum with their magical tears of bullshit! Ah-ha, well… good for you. So can we end the movie now?

Alpha and Omega Humphrey and Kate
Yeah, thank you.

So, more predictions comes true.

  • Humphrey and Kate will be too late and the two rival packs will attack each other
  • Eventually, they will all come to an agreement and the fighting will just stop right there
  • Humphrey and Kate will end up together after all

Oh wait, but there’s more. Winston is touched by this moment and thinks this can work out. Through some intimidation from Eve, Tony swallows his pride and is okay with how this whole thing will go. So…

  • Garth will end up with Lilly instead

Bam! Two-in-one! The wolves rejoice, Marcel and Paddy suddenly appear and advertise golf to Winston and Tony, and our four star-crossed lovers end up together after all.

Alpha and Omega Garth and Lilly

Alpha and Omega Humphrey and Kate howl

This follows up with a night wedding scene where everyone, even the damn birds, dance and howl. Here, let me post the lyrics again:

WhoooOOOOOoooOOOOoo~ WHOOOoOooooOooo~ WHOoooooOOooooO~ WHOOOOOOOOOOOOo~

And this takes up to our last prediction.

  • Moral of the story: you can love someone regardless of status

Well… I suppose that’s a good lesson for kids. We just had to sit through a predictable story and some toilet humor to get to it.

Alpha and Omega in memory of Dennis Hopper

Ahh… well, that’s depressing.

You criticize a piece of work and then it throws in a “in memory of” frame. And his voiceover work of Tony really is his last role. Now I just feel shitty.

Cue in the credits, showing us the concept sketches and storyboards of the movie. And that was Alpha and Omega. HAHAHAHAHA wooooooow this is ehhhhh…

This is not among the worst I’ve seen, but there is nothing remotely clever or original here. While this movie did make a reasonable profit, none of its sequels made an appearance in theaters. There were already four direct-to-video sequels. FOUR. And there are three more on the way next year.

…Holy crap. This is the new Land Before Time formula.

But in the long and the short of it, this is a rather forgettable kid’s flick. Its sub-par animation for today’s standards, weak story that tries to stay on the safe side, bland characters, and lame comedy certainly don’t help either.

*sighs*

But to be fair, there is a reasonable amount of work put into this flick despite its considerably lower budget compared to its competitors. The animation, though choppy at times, does work and the premise is actually decent. Had it taken a few chances with its linear story and add some polish, I think it would’ve turn up to be a sleeper hit.

Well, it’s time to look at the cringe counter.

Cringe count: 16

Hmm, okay. Not as bad as I thought it would be. You should see how many times I cursed in my Sword Art Online review.

So there you have it. My first review about American animation. And now, I need to go sleep…

Alpha and Omega

Price Varies
Alpha and Omega
4.1

STORY

3.5/10

CHARACTERS

3.0/10

ART & ANIMATION

5.0/10

SOUNDTRACK

5.0/10

Pros

  • While it does have a good moral at the end, it's presented very clumsily.
  • The animation can be fluid at times (better after the first ten minutes) but gets rather choppy as well.
  • The movie can be funny at times, though it's more to do with the awkward script than the scenes intended to be funny.

Cons

  • Our two lead characters are bland and don't go beyond their established archetypes.
  • The plot is outright predictable with no twists whatsoever.
  • The humor is typical modern crap that includes sexual innuendos, toilet humor, and poorly timed slapstick.
  • The unappealing look of the characters and the odd amount of anthropomorphism makes for an uncomfortable experience.
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2 thoughts on “Alpha and Omega

    • I’m sorry you feel that way, but I assure you my criticisms here are valid. My main problems with the movie are that it’s clichéd to the point of predictability and that it’s just not funny. In fact, the humor is mostly cringeworthy.

      Also, I wouldn’t compare the quality of “Alpha and Omega” to “The Lion King.” Not by a long shot. I would even say the sequel is better than “Alpha and Omega,” because it handled the “Romeo and Juliet” inspired plot better. Also, “The Lion King” had a much better story and had much better animation in general. I’d show my own kids that movie any day over something as generic as “Alpha and Omega.”

      If “Alpha and Omega” had a good story, I’d be much more forgiving about it. But I find it boring, unoriginal, and unfunny. It’s nothing with this movie being “not your kind of style.” If you enjoyed the movie, that’s fine. This review is just my two cents.

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